Thursday, March 12, 2009

Wisdom Thursdays

So recently I've been hanging out more with L's family, specifically her aunt and friends on a Thursday night and I'm unofficially dubbing them "Wisdom Thursdays" because we sit around with a glass or two of wine and just talk about everything. It is just so unbelievably awesome to get perspective from people who have been through all this shit and aren't afraid to give you the details of their own life experiences. 

It just seems lately that I've been having these "life discussions" with people in their 30's and 40's and they are all telling me the same thing: Do not get stuck in a bad place, because this is the time that you should be figuring out who you are. It's strange how these random conversations always seem to take place at a time when they are so relevant. I don't necessarily believe in fate, but maybe at certain times we are more open to specific ideas and perspectives. 

I never really took the time to figure myself out in between relationships and it is coming back full force to bite me in the ass. I like to make other people in my life happy before I make myself happy, this combined with the fact that I am very non-confrontational causes me to compromise too much of myself with other people. Compromising is great, it's the lifeblood of a healthy relationship, but I allowed myself to compromise to the point where I've given up a piece of who I am. Maybe if the person I was with was little less unyielding this would be ok, but as wonderful and awesome as he is, he cannot meet me halfway. His boundaries are very black and white and I'm all about the shades of grey. 

So now I have to hurt someone in order to be the person I'm meant to be. There's something about that that strikes me as wrong. It shouldn't have to be this way. I shouldn't be able to have this much impact on someone else's life. That's what scares me. How did I end up with this....power? 

And yet, like I said to L tonight....there's something infinitely beautiful to it. It will hurt more than anything has ever hurt me before. But for the first time in a long time, there is no more apathy, no more numbness, no more half-truths....I am alive again. 

And it is fucking wonderful.

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