They tell me I deserve more.
They tell me I won't ever go back.
I nod. They're right. They can see this rationally, coherently, and clearly.
They tell me that I'll be able to finally put myself first.
They tell me it's over.
and I nod. Agreeable words roll off my lips. Are they satisfied?
I believed it.
But tonight a very loud and distraught person has awoken inside my head...and they are screaming.
For all this talk about better off, I was and it got taken away. Even better, I get to dig the grave and bury it myself. Maybe I'll put up a nice tombstone: "Here lies blissful, ignorant happiness - it was taken too soon".
But it's ok...I'll be happy....again.
Do you see the problem with that? It's the word again because I was.
And now I can't get back to that place where happiness resides, I feel like I went to get the mail and someone changed the locks while I was gone.
I know this is one of those "bad moments" that will shortly pass and more will come but with time they will dwindle in number until they are just an occasional twinge here and there.
That day cannot come fast enough, because right now all I want is to crawl into bed beside him, hear his laugh, and see his smile. I can't hear you telling me I deserve better over all this yelling in my head that's saying if I deserve more but this makes me happy then where is the point in all of this?