Saturday, November 12, 2011

They tell me I'm worth more.

They tell me I deserve more.

They tell me I won't ever go back.

I nod. They're right. They can see this rationally, coherently, and clearly.

They tell me that I'll be able to finally put myself first.

They tell me it's over.

and I nod. Agreeable words roll off my lips. Are they satisfied?

I believed it.

But tonight a very loud and distraught person has awoken inside my head...and they are screaming.

For all this talk about better off, I was and it got taken away. Even better, I get to dig the grave and bury it myself. Maybe I'll put up a nice tombstone: "Here lies blissful, ignorant happiness - it was taken too soon".

But it's ok...I'll be happy....again.

Do you see the problem with that? It's the word again because I was.

And now I can't get back to that place where happiness resides, I feel like I went to get the mail and someone changed the locks while I was gone.

I know this is one of those "bad moments" that will shortly pass and more will come but with time they will dwindle in number until they are just an occasional twinge here and there.

That day cannot come fast enough, because right now all I want is to crawl into bed beside him, hear his laugh, and see his smile. I can't hear you telling me I deserve better over all this yelling in my head that's saying if I deserve more but this makes me happy then where is the point in all of this?

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The long road to maybe not ever.

Sorry no smooth introduction to the subject matter....this one is going for the abrupt crash landing into a wasteland of despair...please brace for impact.

I have these friends that are a couple...and they are amazing people whom I consider part of my extended family. They've been together since high school and sometimes it's all I can do not to gape in amazement at the sheer togetherness that they have. They are the kind of couple that you enjoy just being around hearing their verbal patter back and forth that has such a weird yet synchronous rhythm to it. But sometimes it's a little hard to watch all that love and support flying around and not feel...completely envious. It's a little degrading to know that your happiness for their happiness is sometimes tempered by this small and selfish part that cannot get over the hurdle of "why not me?".

The vast majority of my conscience is well aware that nothing in life is ever owed to anyone, that expectations, no matter how great, will never just coalesce into reality purely by force of will.

But it's depressing to realize that good actions and abiding by that whole "do unto others as you would have done unto you" does not mean that the universe is going to uphold that one. It sometimes seems that accounting of good actions vs. bad actions is severely in the red, that there is no real benefit to being a "good" person except perhaps self satisfaction, and I can tell you right now that currently if surveyed I would fall into the "less than satisfied" category.

All this constant guilt I carry around, worrying about whether or not I'm hurting someone, letting someone down, not helping someone's useless. No one cares except me if I'm burdened by guilt and apparently no one but me suffers if I choose the moral high ground. None of my helpfulness, generosity, compassion, or patience have gotten me any closer in terms of building the kind of relationship I want to have, the kind that I see between these two wonderful people.

So what? Do I throw my google-esque "don't be evil" motto out the window and just live hedonistically? Send the guilt trips packing and shove everyone and everything to a lower priority than whatever I want?

I have another option. My friends for the most part have always been wonderful and supportive human beings that I am proud to know. So maybe it's time to cut out the fringe element that seems to be causing all these problems. Change the ultimate goal to one based more on self-reliance and satisfaction through other avenues. Because you know who has never let me down? Me. Maybe I can't trust people, animals, or the general moral accounting practices of the universe but when it comes down to it we enter and leave this world utterly alone...the rest is just filler.