Saturday, February 28, 2009

Some Things I Need To Say....

....Listen Windows, it's nice to know that it only takes you a few seconds to recover from an "unexpected shutdown" but some of us are still pissed about it, ok? 'Cause you're popping up on the desktop, all like "I RECOVERED!!!! IT MAY TAKE A WHOLE FIVE MINUTES BEFORE I COMPLETELY FUCK UP AGAIN!!!" and like, I'm happy for you and supportive and stuff...but what about me? I plug you in when your battery is low, defrag your hard drives at least once a decade and keep you generally pretty clean (sorry about the crumbs in your keyboard....but I like a little toast with my solitaire) and you can't even ask if I'm ok? BITCH, I OWN YOU!! And to be quite is NOT ok and I still haven't recovered from the great hard drive crash of 2007....I was in the middle of photoshopping my ex-boyfriend's head onto various farm animals engaged in strange sexual acts and you just SHUT DOWN AND ERASED EVERYTHING. 

I'm still in therapy.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


You sounded so nervous. Could you really be intimidated by little ol' me?

Wish I could have said yes....

Is there a hallmark card for: "I think you're awesome and if I were single I would potentially be interested in you, but as I'm currently in a serious relationship I can't really do things with you that could be misconstrued as a date because I wouldn't want to lead you on but I'd really like to be friends if you're ok with that, unless of course you have no interest in me except as a friend and I've just misinterpreted the signals in which case I apologize for sending you this completely unnecessary card and really I don't find you that attractive I was just mostly saying that because I wanted to be nice about this whole thing. Which doesn't mean that I wouldn't date I totally would! Oh God...."

Now that's a greeting card I'd shell out $5.99 for.

I Dream in Technicolour

They say that when you fall or die in your dreams that you are supposed to wake up. That's how it usually happens right? You jump off a 50-storey building and just as you hit the ground your eyes pop open. 

Well, mine don't open. I just keep dreaming.

I seem to be dying a lot lately in my dreams and while the death sequences are always pretty cool, I'm always a little confused afterward. Like, I know I'm dead...but what the fuck am I doing in Minnesota? 

Last night I was blown apart by 50 missiles looking uncannily similar to bullet bills (too much nintendo) all mistakenly aimed at me. A little extravagant if you ask me.

I'm sure it's just some form of escapism or whatchamacallit, because everytime I open my eyes after dying and I become the walking dead or some sort of ethereal apparition, the same joyous thought pops into my head:

"I'm free."

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


I know the brake light is out....please for the love of GOD stop telling me about it as if 80 other motorists have not already informed me of this fact.

Oh the places you'll go!

"You didn't think it was gonna be that easy, did you?"
"You know, for a second there, yeah, I kinda did."
- Kill Bill 

I really thought the hard part was over. Life is hard, I get that.
But I really thought I had the whole love-of-my-life part figured out, thought I could devote my time to more pressing matters like....writing the great american novel or something.

Have you ever had an epiphany? Not like a I-finally-got-that-joke-someone-told-me-last-week kind of epiphany but a real, honest to god, life-altering, sudden realization? I mean, it has the potential to be really awesome, like maybe suddenly the meaning of life (42, obviously) becomes clear, or the knowledge of where exactly socks disappear to (you could make millions off of this) pops magically into your head, but when the thought that maybe, just maybe, the one part of your life that was finally going according to some kind of plan, just may not be at all what you're looking for meanders its way unannounced into your's terrifying. All I have to say to this epiphany is:


It's terrifying and unbe-fucking-lievably confusing as there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with this is PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. Well, except that if it were.....good ol' unwelcome epiphany over there would not have shown it's ugly face around here. 

So now, instead of saving children in Africa from malaria, or preventing the ice caps from melting, or even motivating myself to GO TO THE GYM, my brain is fully and completely occupied with answering the WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? that I keep asking.

Did I mention that there's a few external factors that are coming into this mess....JUST WHEN I DON'T NEED THEM?!

I need to get away from my brain.



Friday, February 13, 2009

Because I mean exactly what I don't say

I wasn't sure how to start this off, since I may be the only one reading this it seems a little silly to introduce me to myself. I think, however, that may be the point of this blog. So instead, I'm going to just start writing and see what happens...

I was watching and episode of SATC with a friend of mine the other day and in the episode there's this scene where the girls are having drinks and talking about who they've masturbated to over the years, which of course necessitates L turning to me and asking:

"So who do you masturbate to?"
I'm beginning to think we will never go an entire hour together without discussing sex....that's likely why I see her more than my boyfriend.

"I can't do it with anyone that I know and haven't slept with. It's do I look them in the face afterwards without thinking 'I've pictured you buck naked, doing some really kinky shit with me and I'm really hoping you can't read minds'". 

"I KNOW!....I can't even do it with celebrities, it just feels wrong somehow."

"What about Christian Bale?"

" know sometimes it's better because it's so wrong".