Y'all are Rainin' On This Here Parade

I should know better. It's Monday and people are miserable on Monday's.

I'm usually not even close to functioning before noon on a Monday....and feeling good on a Monday?

You sir, are crazy.

But today was different. Please note the use of the past tense in the previous statement: WAS.

You see, I realize that I am often times (see: always) slightly unrealistic, but is it so bad to live briefly in a fantasy world where I might actually get to do something completely ridiculous?

I know that a lot can change between now and the departure date, I know that likely driving for more than 20 hours is completely stupid and that likely I will not be able to afford a plane ticket. I'll be lucky if I can scrape up enough funds to provide sustenance for myself, but ALABAMA people!

I do not and did not have an issue with people telling me that I am too poor to go, or that the 20 hour drive is more likely over 30 hours to a week in reality, but I do have an issue with the last conversation I had with a certain person.

I said it before and I'll say it again: I should know better. 

I should know better that there is one person that never ceases to rain on my motherfucking parade at almost every opportunity if the fun does not include him. I should know by now that he knows the perfect way to immediately deflate my irrational excitement. 

Maybe he's right, perhaps it is a huge mistake on my part to show more excitement at the fact that I may just get to drive through a state full of people I LOVE to make fun of rather than show the same excitement for our possible trip together. The trip that he basically wants me to research with him and plan out even though I haven't really had the time and he really hasn't given me much information for except one word: Mexico.

Well that's easy, I mean there's only like one place anyone ever goes in Mexico and there's only really one travel website that one could look up hotels and package deals on. Obviously I also know exactly when we would be going because that's certainly INFORMATION THAT I'VE BEEN GIVEN. Oh, and price range? Don't even get me started on the absolute tomes of knowledge I have concerning that little subject. 

He's also apparently paying for me to go. Which is really cool that he wants to do that, but you would think that after all the conversations we've had where I plainly state that I am not entirely comfortable with him even paying for us to see a movie when I have ZERO dollars, that the same sentiment might also apply to this? MAYBE, YOU THINK?

This is a rant. It is a rant because I am completely irrationally angry but I WAS HAPPY ON A MONDAY AND YOU RUINED IT. 

P.S. YOU CAN SUCK IT.

'Cause it's better if you don't

oh it's so much better if you won't

'cause it's better every time you bring me down.

A Shining Example

...of what's wrong with the world we live in. I've started subscribing to the CBC RSS feed in order to feel like I know a little bit about what's going on in the world...and I'm considering subscribing to CNN as well. Not for the current war on terror body count or info on the current UN proclamation, no it's so I can get my daily fix of news articles like this:

Watch out — your pet could send you to hospital

Here's some exerpts:

"Thursday's report by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention looked at the falling hazards

posed by pets, based on five years of emergency department data for mentions of cats, dogs, kittens or puppies involved in nonfatal injuries."

"About three out of every 10,000 people annually suffered fall-related injuries from cats or dogs that are serious enough to send someone to the hospital, the researchers said."

" 'Prevention measures for fall injuries should be balanced against the known health benefits of pet ownership,' such as reduced risk of heart attack."

"Tripping was the main source of fall injuries from cats, which might be expected since felines often rub themselves affectionately against human legs."

"Dogs could startle people, cause their owners to chase them, or leave dog toys around that pose a tripping hazard."

This is my favorite quote...under "how to reduce pet-related accidents":

"Increasing recognition that pets and pet items can cause falls."

Seriously? You mean leaving stuff lying around on the floor can cause me to fall? And things that move could quite possibly get in my way if I'm not paying attention to where I'm going and cause me to become off balance? Well Jesus H. Christ why didn't someone warn me about this before?!

While I cannot believe that someone thought this was actually a worthwhile subject to write about for a NATIONAL NEWS OUTLET, it is even more mind boggling that someone first had to do an entire research study on this. AND SOMEONE GAVE THEM MONEY TO DO IT.  In case you didn't catch it from the quotes, it was performed by none other than the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Stories like these just enforce my long-standing opinion that the world is becoming increasingly populated by paranoid cookie-cutter compliant idiots whom are all completely and utterly insane. 

 

The Magic Hat

Sounds a little like a children's book doesn't it?

Did you ever have a piece of clothing or accessory that could make you feel better about yourself just by putting it on? 

There's nothing fantastic about this hat, from all appearances it looks like any other, but on those days when I need that extra bit of confidence it can make me feel truly awesome. Perhaps it's because it covers what I consider to be my worst feature: a forehead large enough to sell ad space on. Seriously, I didn't even know it was a problem until I started seeing pictures of it.....and man does it take up some photo real-estate!

Anyway, back to the hat. Not only does it cover and conceal, it's also kind of lucky. Everytime I wear it out to a coffee date with someone, things usually go pretty well. In fact, it was kind of the catalyst for the first kiss with my current boyfriend.....although some may not consider that a great selling point. It is my version of the oversized sunglasses, my own personal shield that I can hide behind and view the world from a defensive position. 

And I think it may be time to retire the magic hat. Not only because I'm not sure it's quite the fashion statement that I think it is, but because sometimes you have to let go of the security blanket. It's a great defense, but you can't live your life from the trenches. 

Sometimes you have to put down your weapons and cross the battlefield. 

And who knows? Maybe you'll come out intact....big huge freaking forehead and all.

Man, what a target.

I cannot stop thinking about you.

It's gotten to the point of being severely unhealthy.

But everytime I try to study or fall asleep at night I end up daydreaming about you. 

I have an insatiable desire to know what it's like to kiss you. 

Why do you have to be so goddamn sexy?

I'd like to bite you all over.

Wisdom Thursdays

So recently I've been hanging out more with L's family, specifically her aunt and friends on a Thursday night and I'm unofficially dubbing them "Wisdom Thursdays" because we sit around with a glass or two of wine and just talk about everything. It is just so unbelievably awesome to get perspective from people who have been through all this shit and aren't afraid to give you the details of their own life experiences. 

It just seems lately that I've been having these "life discussions" with people in their 30's and 40's and they are all telling me the same thing: Do not get stuck in a bad place, because this is the time that you should be figuring out who you are. It's strange how these random conversations always seem to take place at a time when they are so relevant. I don't necessarily believe in fate, but maybe at certain times we are more open to specific ideas and perspectives. 

I never really took the time to figure myself out in between relationships and it is coming back full force to bite me in the ass. I like to make other people in my life happy before I make myself happy, this combined with the fact that I am very non-confrontational causes me to compromise too much of myself with other people. Compromising is great, it's the lifeblood of a healthy relationship, but I allowed myself to compromise to the point where I've given up a piece of who I am. Maybe if the person I was with was little less unyielding this would be ok, but as wonderful and awesome as he is, he cannot meet me halfway. His boundaries are very black and white and I'm all about the shades of grey. 

So now I have to hurt someone in order to be the person I'm meant to be. There's something about that that strikes me as wrong. It shouldn't have to be this way. I shouldn't be able to have this much impact on someone else's life. That's what scares me. How did I end up with this....power? 

And yet, like I said to L tonight....there's something infinitely beautiful to it. It will hurt more than anything has ever hurt me before. But for the first time in a long time, there is no more apathy, no more numbness, no more half-truths....I am alive again. 

And it is fucking wonderful.

Uncensored

The following is a letter I wrote a long time ago to my current boyfriend. At the time I did not feel comfortable posting in LiveJournal as it had been compromised too many times, I couldn't write it down because God knows I live with some of the nosiest people on this earth, so instead I typed it into a word document, locked it with a password and forgot all about it. Until about a month ago. This is why documenting your feelings is important, no matter how insignificant and trivial they may seem at the time. It is so vital to just to be able to look back and say I FELT THIS AND IT MATTERS.

I'm not sure if you'll pick up on my tone, but if I had written this on paper I feel like some of the words would have been scratched and gouged into the paper rather than written:

I want you to hold me like you never want to let me go, like I want to hold you. I remember when you said: “You complete me”. That was then, before you changed your mind. You don’t say anything like that anymore. You know now, that completing yourself with me would just add flaws to your perfection, a taint to your uncorrupted half. Then I was the optimal, now I am sub-prime. Why is it that I can see your flaws, not as mistakes on your character, but as imperfections that make you beautiful? Oh, I was beautiful to you in the beginning, but now I just don’t quite make the cut now do I? So patronizing. I have become a safeguard to a lonely death, an occasional display of amusement, but never your equal. I am fit only to provide entertainment when you desire laughter, food when you are hungry, counsel when you are divided, and, of course, sex when your appetite is whetted. Never is my mind as sound in rationale, my temperament as calm, my words as eloquent, my opinions as valid, or my desire as important as my obviously better half. When was it declared that I was the one who needed to catch up? Who made up the jury that found that it was me whom was lacking? Where was I? I thought we were in this together, I thought that was the point. Why ever pair us together, why ever even create the idea of together if we are to act according to our own priorities and whims? Two people can perform the same action together again and again and again, in perfect sync with each other but if they never understand the other then it as if their performing the action together was coincidental. It’s all happenstance. What if there had been someone else in my place, would they have done just as well if they met your basic requirements? Such carefully chosen expectations will only ensure that those particular expectations will be filled, what if there is more than just what you expect? Is the rest just superfluous? Believe me, I know where I sit in regards to these so-called “expectations” I believe at this moment I am a card carrying “just barely meets the minimum”. Although I could be wrong, I’m not sure as I wasn’t invited to my performance review either. There seems to be a lot I haven’t been invited to lately; family outings, weddings, movies with friends. There’s always the reasons, always the goddamned considerate, perfectly rational, fucking obvious reasons. I’m not invited to the family outing because it would be inconsiderate to expect me to take time off my precious, boring as fuck job. I’m of course always invited to the movies, it’s just one of those invitations that are never extended but anyone with a bit of sense would just know that they are of course invited. And I’m not invited to the wedding because they don’t know me, although I did think that when the marrying couple is a cousin that lives across the country this could be overlooked as really it’s just as much their fault for not coming to meet me. So conclusively, I am an idiot who loves my boring as fuck job and I just don’t know the right people. How charming. Oh, but let me tell you all those feelings of being left out go right out the window when I hear the “why didn’t you come?” after every event that I was supposedly previously engaged not to attend or supposedly not invited. Now what? Do I make you look like an idiot and tell them why I wasn’t there? Oh I’ve tried that: “Well I could have sworn you told me...” “If you weren’t so confusing...” “I thought your studies needed more attending to...”. So now I just keep my fucking mouth shut and let you follow whatever bullshit reasoning you want until you absolve whatever little doubt there could be in your mind that you could have done anything ANYTHING wrong. ANY-FUCKING-THING. It amazes me constantly how you can manipulate absolutely anything and everything to match perfectly with your ideal reality and I am the one who is ridiculous. I am the frustration of your life. I am a daily pain in the ass, needy, whining, estrogen fuelled ball of constant PMS who must always interrupt everything you love and hold dear: studying, watering plants, organizing old fiscal reports, and of course fantasy hockey teams. Hey, why don’t you love and hold me dear once in a fucking while? Because it doesn’t fit into your schedule. And that is why not a single little bit of any of my ranting or raving holds any importance or consequence, I just don’t fit. I do not go according to plan, I will not go according to plan, because the plan does not include me. I was added in sometime after it was already drawn up, reviewed, dated and signed. I am an addendum, an unforeseen clause that makes the whole thing null and void. I am something that inevitably will need to be crossed out and stricken from the record. It hurts. Not being crossed off, that I can take, it’s the cold, methodical way that you will do it that will really kill me. Like the writing on the contract, there is no depth to anything that you feel for me, no discernable texture or dimension. I can’t understand such an intangible emotion. You shouldn’t be able to put it down on paper or form it into a concise idea. It shouldn’t make sense. All I wanted was someone to understand the joke with me, to know my subtleties and challenge my beliefs. I want someone who knows my flaws, but can also accept my greatness.

 

I need someone

who understands,

that there’s a voice

inside my head,

that sometimes says:

 

Just die already.

awkward!

Um, so that was umm, yeah.....kinda not so much?

So I had coffee with this guy that I may or may not have a slight "thing" for....and I'm not really sure how it went.

First of all, as a disclaimer, I shouldn't even be analyzing whether he's into me or whatever, because I'm in a dedicated relationship....but that's a whole other can of worms that I just don't want to get into right now.

So this is the second time I've had coffee with this guy and the first time was pretty awesome, we discovered quite a bit of common ground and it was still awkward but it was good awkward.

So tonight was the second time and for like an hour before we were supposed to meet my heart is just pounding in my ears because I get THAT nervous seeing this person. I was hoping it would be a little easier, that the conversation would flow better and that I'd be a little more comfortable with him.

Yeah, right. I am the queen of awkwardness. 

I just can't tell how this went. I think, not suprisingly, that I may have come off as EXTREMELY BORING. There were awkward pauses GALORE.....well maybe only two or three, but STILL. 

Even if I just want to be friends with guy, I feel like I'm not getting any farther with him. I'm trying to figure out WHO THIS PERSON IS and I'm not really getting anywhere. I'm not looking for a discussion on emotional crap or anything but I feel like I'm the one constantly running the conversation and THAT IS NEVER GOOD. This is why I hang around with "type A" personalities, they ALWAYS have something to say and I don't have to figure out a path for the conversation to take. 

I have a few ideas as to why tonight was not so great, wanna hear them? Super.

1. (Worst Case) He has discovered that I am actually completely and utterly boring and not only is he "not that into me" but is pretty much not interested in friendship either. This is the conclusion I get from the amount of finger tapping and clock-glances.

 

2. Was never into me, just wants to be friends and maybe there is no "deeper" person than the one I had coffee with tonight. Maybe HE is boring, NOT ME. So there. (Unlikely, through conversations over the net and otherwise I already know he is way more interesting than me).

3. (Best Case*) Is into me and awkwardness is a result of tension. Maybe alcohol can be used as an ice breaker? In this case, usually some sort of sexual contact will relieve tension, but in this specific case...is NOT possible....at the present time.

* Not sure if this is actually best case considering I'm involved in a serious relationship.

I wish making out was on the list of things ok to do with NOT your boyfriend. Really, really, a lot.

At the end he turned to me and was like "so....I guess I'll see you......?" I'm not even going to bother dissecting what could be behind that statement, so I said this:

"Do you like Mario Kart"?

If you can't make out with 'em.....play video games instead.

On a different note....

I meant to do this when I put it up, but procrastination took place so I'll do it now...

I have a new masthead! It's pretty freaking sweet too...

All credit goes to "Avery", I'm not sure why she wants be called this, but call her this I shall.

I sat and stared at my computer for hours trying to think of something original and "me". It took Avery all of 30 seconds to pull up images of "damask" which is so perfectly and utterly me at the moment. 

She did this while simultaneously cooking dinner, doing her taxes, walking the dog and writing a novel that rivals War & Peace for length. Just kidding...but seriously this girl does not understand the meaning of "single-tasking". She is EXHAUSTING to even watch, especially for disorganized procrastinators. 

It's amazing I haven't developed a complex from being surrounded by type "A" personalities.

No Apologies

Today is awesome. It is finally almost acceptably warm outside.

There's something about warm weather that makes me want to cut all ties and just skip and dance in the middle of a nice meadow a la sound of music. 

I want to be free. 

I'm not sure about right and wrong anymore. 

Let's say you have this couch and when you bought it, it was like "I am going to have this thing forever!" it wasn't the cutting edge of design, but it was very supportive, ergonomically correct and quietly simple and wonderful. Sure, you had to change the decor a little to make it fit but it worked and it was the comfiest thing in the world to sleep on. 

Then one day you look at that room and go "this just isn't me".  You want to make some changes, but godamnit that couch just might not fit in with everything anymore. I mean, it's been there for you for years and now you want to leave it on the street for the scavengers? I mean, you can try to re-upholster but it's still the same couch underneath and it does NOT like to change.

So you're stuck in decorating limbo, fearful of making the wrong changes because that couch is still really, really good........when you see this other couch. It's a little more abstract and quirky, but it is just so you. At first, you completely write it off because it would not fit as well..you'd have to repaint and possibly move walls for it to work. So you go back to the ergonomically correct couch and curl up on it with a book, satisfied that this is the couch for you. 

But somehow you just keeping thinking about this other couch....you start going to the showroom once a week just to look at it and imagine how good the room would look with this couch.

This entry makes absolutely NO SENSE.

I'm going for caffeine and then I'm going to write this without any couch analogies.