Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Going Nowhere....Not So Fast

I'd just like to preface this post with the following information: I am currently sitting at the local pub drinking by myself...I'm able to do this because I can now walk to the local pub, and I can now walk to the local pub because I have finally moved out of the caustic urban mega mall that is the suburbs and into the big city.

It's been about a week and a half since the move and from the limited time I have spent here I have made the following observation: the pedestrians here seem to have only two variable speeds: running and strolling. I tried to walk at a brisk pace the other day down to the liquor store and between getting stuck behind the stop-and-smell-the-roses pacers and the get-out-of-my-way-I'm-fucking-fit runners I got nowhere fast. It's annoying even while driving, because anytime I have to turn that's when the fucking strollers decide to cross the street...mostly while staring at their shoes and apparently counting the fucking stones in the asphalt. I'll wait until they finish meandering across the street and as soon as I go to step on the gas here comes the fucking runners out of nowhere. If pedestrians are allowed to cross a fucking street all willy-nilly then they should either wear helmets or it should only be a small fine if I happen to take them out at the knees with my windshield.

But seriously though, it's the runners that really get to me.

I'm sitting here, trying to enjoy my cigarette and they're swooshing by like a pack of obnoxious herd-like animals with running shoes, practically screaming "look at us! We're fucking athletic aren't we?! Look at you just sitting there on your ass like a derelict of society...get us some fucking water and make yourself useful will you?"

Luckily, the convenience store down the street sells trip-wire...I mean fishing line.

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